I’ve never been equally as inspired and comforted as I am terrified and disquieted by a single institution.
I have let myself become far too familiar with their Orthopedic Oncology department. I shouldn’t be able to tell you the first and last names of the three doctors there with that specialty, I shouldn’t have let myself get sucked in to the research they’ve done and the studies they’ve published, or get emotional over the testimonials from Mayo patients around the world. But I can, I did, and I did again.
Inspired, because they are a worldwide leader in medical care, research, and education. They have more than 56,000 scientists, physicians, students, and allied health staff.
Comforted, because they have a philosophy that the patient comes first, and they live by it. Reading their Value Statements is like sipping a pumpkin spice latte in front of a crackling fire. Because after reading different patients’ stories, I know I will be taken care of.
Terrified, because reading those same patients’ stories puts me in their shoes. Terrified because it makes me a patient who will be telling a story. Terrified because only good stories are turned into testimonials. Terrified because not all stories are fairy tails.
Disquieted, because I have never been in this situation before. Because I don’t know what the outcome will be. Because I feel selfish for being scared, when it could still be so much worse. Because I feel like I have no control over any single part of the situation. Because yeah, they change lives, but they can’t change things back to the way they used to be.
Sorry if this seems like a big downer post… and especially one that came out of nowhere. I tried for a long time to not talk about this at all on the blog, but I realized that writing about it and being honest is some of my best therapy. Especially when running is out. I’m not sure if I want sympathy or validation or just to simply get it out of my system… but what you get right now is pretty much just raw, unedited, me.
There’s still a lot up in the air about procedures and dates and first vs. second vs. third opinions. The only opinion I currently have is that I want to get it over and done with and move on. Right now I’m left with way too much free time to ponder the what ifs, the could bes, and the used to bes.
It is also effing with my sleeping schedule… which is why I’m writing this at 3am. Going to try to fall back asleep now.
-E
We’re all pulling for ya, Sprite.
I’ve been on a lucky streak for a while now (after the world’s longest losing streak), so I’m sending some of my luck your way.
There have been a couple of times that I’ve started posts with “I’ve never talked about this before…” and each time the response has been terrific. You can expect the same. Now get some rest; you’ll need it.
Wow. So sorry to hear this. As someone who’s become way to familar with Sloan Kettering orthopedic oncology department recently it’s a very scary thing to realize what’s going on. And I’m only dealing with mom going through it. And being scared (and selfish) is part of the process. allow yourself to go through it. I know the emotions I’ve been dealing with are completely overwhelming to me and I’m sure yours are even more.
You are in my thoughts!
K, this might sound dumb, but I don’t completely know what’s going on… I will be praying for you, though, and if you’d like to give me a couple more details, you can. If not, no big. Hang in there and stay positive!
Just sending some good thoughts and vibes! Scared is totally ok, too.
I think all those feelings are totally normal, especially with the unknown being so…unknown. Whatever the unknown turns out to be, it seems like you’re in the right place with the right people…which is sometimes the best we can, even if we’re not happy with it. I’ve heard the phrase “good enough never is” recently, and it seems like it’s applicable here. I know you’ll pull through in the end, whatever the roller coaster might bring.
Orthopedic oncology sounds scary, but Mayo is the place to be. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Sounds like we need to talk:) hope you are doing ok. my email is J(ulia) U P R M A At Aol dot com.
did you get that and did i get away from the evil hackers?
Mayo is the best. They did a great job with Rich I wish we were there now to be honest.
Thinking of you. Hope it all gets figured out soon. You’re in the best hands!
“You are the koala bear, I am the tree…jump up on me.” — Mom